Mikie and Lili Among the Tall Trees: One If By Land, Two IF By Sea

What do you do when slumber evades you? Although here on Cortes I have not suffered from that malady but once or twice. I get up quietly; Lili needs her beauty rest. Wait, that didn't come out right, but I'm too busy now to fix it. I'll go turn on the TV hoping to find a movie so horrid that it puts me back in the arms of Morpheus. You know, one filmed in Brandon Manitoba whose skyline stands in for New York City? One where there are no actors whom you recognize but still are so self-important that they all need three names: Willum Farnsworth MacSnit or Erin Shelagh Weinstein. You know those films; the "who decided this piece of merde needed to be made?" variety of cinema often brought to you by Corus Entertainment and with your tax dollars in support.
The strategy is a good one. It rarely fails and I am never burdened with concerns about how, or if, the movie's going to end. I recommend it wholeheartedly, especially to the grey matter-impaired individuals who ran amok on the island here a couple of nights ago.
Allow me to quote coverage of this story from my friends at Tideline. The story's excerpted parts are Italicized. The bold type is what I imagine passing through the head of the alleged criminal(s). I've commented a time or two, as well.

Hey, Moe... woop,woop, woop

"At approximately 3:30 in the morning of November 16, 2011 the Quadra Island RCMP Detachment received a report that a Quadra Island resident's truck had just been stolen from their (sic) driveway. The truck was immediately recovered in the parking lot of the Heriot Bay Inn."

(Moe Yawns and stretches) It's approximately three-thirty AM and can't sleep. I'll pick up Curley and see if he notices anything different about my ride. Maybe we'll grab the ferry to Cortes, but first we'll check out the monthly cocktail specials at the Heriot Bay Inn. Wait, what? The ferry ain't running? That's OK...

" Shortly after the truck was recovered, a second truck was being reported stolen from a residence on Cortes Island."

"... because I can drive on water. But I bet I'll need new truck by the time I get to Cortes."

"Cortes Island residents had been alerted to the stolen truck and soon located the truck being driven to the Whaletown Government dock. At the dock, the suspects believed to have stolen the Cortes Island truck and who were believed to have committed the break and enters were observed by witnesses to steal a forty foot ex-fishing vessel from a mooring buoy and flee Whaletown Harbour. The stolen vessel was followed by witnesses across Sutil Channel.

Still in their trucks?
"Break and enters" can't be right, can it?

"How did we get to be the lead truck in the Cortes Day parade? We got to find us an 50 ft.ex-fishing vessel, though I'll take a 40footer if i have to, preferably one with plenty of room for these cigarettes, PowerAde, and organic tomatoes.

A cloaking device would be nice,too, even if it is now the world's slowest chase.

" The stolen vessel was subsequently tracked by police helicopter and the Canadian Coast Guard vessel Cape Palmerston to the Heriot Bay Inn docks where two adult males were immediately arrested by police."... "The two male suspects appeared before a Justice and were remanded to appear in Campbell River Provincial Court on November 21, 2011. The pair, 21 and 26 years old from Campbell River are currently charged with theft of vessel, dangerous operation of a vessel, and mischief."

Mischief ?

With the Coast Guard vessel, all the boats (and trucks?) in pursuit, and the bevy of Heriot Bay locals watching from the Adirondack chairs in front of the HBI, it may have been the largest gathering of English-speaking sea captains since Dunkirk.

Dunkirk or Heriot Bay? Can't tell, can you?

"All in all, a pretty crappy morning. We'd a made it if the ferry was running. I wonder what's for breakfast at the hoosegow. Mommy..."

There's no truth to the rumours that our boatjackers fought off a band of noisy Somali pirates off Shark Spit or that helpful dolphins assisted the RCMP. It is also untrue that while half the population of Mansons Landing was engaged in a low-speed chase through the hills and vales of our island, their houses were burglarized. Only irresponsible people start rumours.

For the record, had our alleged felons used my strategy, they would have found these choices available to them on the movie channels at 3:30AM. Toe Fungus: a Locker Room Love Story starring Bentley Easton Stick and The Not-So-Perfect Storm with Anita Vaster Bode.

Oh, by the way, the Silver Medal for Stupidity goes to the dopes who set up a camp on the Lambert's Beach on Read Island and after dark would break into houses they could see (and walk safely to) through the trees. It seems that they were surprised when apprehended by RCMP while counting their loot around their campfire. Thank goodness it wasn't the same guys who stole 2 trucks, a boat that got them to Cortes, a small power boat/dingy and a 40 ft. ex-fishing vessel so they could stuff their pockets with Cortes and Squirrel Cove Markets' change, because that would be embarrassing. Besides, both of those fine establishments deserve to be treated better than that.